No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I have feelings that need drinking.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
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