Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
