Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize