for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
