having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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