I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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