when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
We have started to decorate penises.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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