Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I currently don't understand fingers.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
