I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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