ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
