take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
