She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
We have so much sex to catch up on
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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