I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
