Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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