I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Oh god it's open bar.
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