Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
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I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
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