i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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