i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
