Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
