see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
