White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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