I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
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