I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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