the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Be still, my beating vagina.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
