I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Randomize
