if you like me you must not know who I am
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
