Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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