HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
