Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
