walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
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