I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
