I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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