I can't breathe out the right side of my face
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize