I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize