I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
