Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I need a burrito and a hug.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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