it's too hot outside to masturbate.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
