Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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