I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
