i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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