If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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