This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
