dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
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