Pants 0. Shit 1.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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