my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize