She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
