i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
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