my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
