I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Are we in a gay sports bar?
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
i think i have two assholes
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
