I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
