Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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