Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
My ass is underappreciated
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
