bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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