I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
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