it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
