aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
