we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
