I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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