So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
