just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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