i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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