It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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