i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
