sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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