3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
You can't special order awesome
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
