Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
