he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
